


Sorry as You Are

by emmaliza



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: 90s fic, Angst and Porn, Apology Sex, Complicated Relationships, Foreshadowing, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Emotional Abuse, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 08:01:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18006992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaliza/pseuds/emmaliza
Summary: Mark tries to make it up to Jason for Nigel's briefly firing him, and while Jason doesn't think that was really Mark's fault, he doesn't know what else to do.





	Sorry as You Are

Jason sighs heavily, looking round at the changing room at the back of Nigel's club, a vast array of clothes hung up on the racks - everything from the leather jackets he and Howard picked up from the flea market, giggling at each other all the while, to the bog standard jeans and t-shirts meant for meeting the girls who've started following them about.

He knows he shouldn't be as anxious as he his; Nigel let him back in and told him to forget what happened - he'd never say as much out loud, but Jason thinks even he knows he overreacted to Jason being a few minutes late. But still, Jason can't help walking on eggshells - he knows he could be kicked out again at any moment, and he probably won't be given a _third_ chance. He has to be careful.

"Hi Jay."

He jumps a mile, and spins around to see who it is intruding upon his brooding. "Hi, Markie," he says, trying to make himself relax. _It's only Mark,_ he thinks as he observes the other boy lurking in the doorway - sweet, gentle Mark, who he's all but adored since the first day they met. It's hard not to adore Mark. Why would Jason ever be afraid of him?

Mark is hesitant to come inside, looking over his shoulder in case someone is about to tell him off. Jay can hardly blame him for that. But when no-one enters the room, Mark steps forward. "You alright, Jay?"

Jason stops. Ever since he got back, the rest of them seem to have been doing their best to pretend he was never gone. How gave him a hug, but that was it. None of them want to acknowledge what Nigel's like, not yet.

"...Yeah," he says weakly. Jason knows he needs to make his voice stronger. He remembers when he got chucked off the bus - and how the others looked awkward and avoided his eye, but none of them said anything. Mark is lovely, but Jason cannot trust him.

Mark bites his lip, wringing his hands together nervously, coming closer. "I just want you to know, I'm glad you're back." He breaks into a tic-like grin. "I missed you."

Jason can't help but raise an eyebrow. "Did you?" he asks with more bite than he means to. _This isn't fair,_ he thinks. It's not like Mark was responsible for what happened. But Jason doesn't know yet who can hold responsible for this. Who he can hold responsible, and get away with it.

For all his wide-eyedness, Mark isn't that naïve, so of course he notices. Jay winces in guilt. He probably does have good reason to be mad, but at the same time, it's impossible to do anything the least bit bad to Mark and not feel like you just kicked a puppy. “Of course I did,” he insists. “We all did.”

Jason isn't sure whether he believes that. Mark and Howard did, he's sure – they've never been anything but lovely to him, because neither of them has ever been anything less than lovely to anyone. But Rob, who's spent most of the time they've known each other trying to wind him up for no particular reason, Jason can't imagine he'd be too fussed. And Gary – well, Jay gave up on figuring out what goes through Gary's head awhile back, but he wouldn't be surprised if the other boy barely noticed.

Still, none of that is _Mark's_ fault. The other boy is trying to make him feel better, and he ought to be grateful. “Thank you,” he says, smiling, and Mark smiles back. It's still all a bit awkward, and it probably will be until this whole incident is firmly behind them, but they are trying.

Slowly, Mark walks further into the room, a strange vibe coming over him that Jason's not sure he can interpret. “I can't do something for you?” he asks, his voice full of anxiety and – something else. “Help you blend back in?”

Jason scoffs. He thought everyone was trying valiantly to pretend the whole thing never happened – he supposed that was what he was going to do, for it's not like he saw any other option. “Well, I'm pretty sure Rob nicked my shorts while I was away.” Not that he particularly wants to wear those shorts, but it's the principle of the thing.

Mark laughs. “I'll talk to him,” he promises. Of course he will, if he and Rob are so close. Jason suddenly finds it curious that Mark is so worried about him, while being best friends with Rob, the one of them he's sure would be glad to see the back of him. How does that work? “But seriously though,” he walks in further, and he _is_ getting close now, isn't he? “I-I feel like I owe ya.”

He feels a hand press featherlight upon his chest, and reluctantly, he does get what Mark's driving at.

“Mark...”

It's not that he doesn't want to. Mark is beautiful, there's no denying that – Jay doesn't know how many people there are, of any gender or sexuality, who could honestly say they'd knock him back. He's thought about it, once or twice, but didn't think he was in with a chance.

It's just, if this is going to happen, he'd like it to happen for the right reasons.

Whatever those are.

“It's alright, Jay,” says Mark, hand drifting down to pull at Jason's belt buckle teasingly. Then he stops. “Is this alright?” He looks up imploringly, baby blues wide, near impossible to say no to. Jason is lost for words. _You don't owe me anything,_ he wants to say – it wasn't Mark who kicked him out of the band, why should he be the one to come round and offer up his body in apology? That just isn't fair. But Jason doesn't know how to say no – he can see the angst in Mark's eyes, the guilt and the desperate need to be forgiven. If he said no, Mark would simply assume it was because he was still angry, and he would take it out on himself.

Jason doesn't know how he knows that.

Almost subconsciously, he nods. Mark breaks into that grin of his, the one that seems to bring all the sunshine of summer with it – but while it usually lights up the room, it now gives Jason's stomach a queasy lurch too.

When Mark's lips press against his own, they're so soft Jason barely feels them.

It all happens too quickly. He shudders as Mark's tongue slips easily into his mouth, at the same time his belt buckle clinks undone. A gentle hand reaches inside his underwear and quickly teases him to full hardness, fingers playing with the tip delicately. “Thought you'd like that,” Mark breaks the kiss to whisper in his ear, just an inch cocky, and Jason should feel better if Mark is feeling better, but somehow it only makes him feel worse.

Mark slides onto his knees with a thud. Jason winces at the sound. The whole thing feels tacky, porno-like, getting a blowjob in the backrooms like this, but if Mark really does want to apologise, who is he to stop him?

He gasps when he feels Mark's sweet pink tongue trace up and down his length, lightly grabbing his hair for balance. He looks down. Mark doesn't have any hesitation meeting his eye, a spark of joy in his face as he mouth's at Jason's dick. _This makes things easier for him._ Jason can understand that, really. Were the positions reversed, he thinks he too would find it simpler just to suck Mark's cock than try to figure out what happened and why and how responsible he was for it.

Jason moans as Mark opens his mouth to take him in without warning, and then hurriedly raises one hand to smother the noise. He's already been fired once. Mark's pretty pink mouth sucks him down expertly, one hand playing with whatever he can't reach, and Jason can't help staring as Mark's eyes slide shut in bliss and he starts to bob his head. _He's good at this_ , and Jason is grateful for how Mark's tongue curls exquisitely against the vein along his underside, keeping him from thinking about it too deeply.

Instinctively, he starts to buck his hips toward the hot, wet suction, and Mark lets him, squeezing his hip with his free hand to urge him on. _I should be careful_ , thinks Jason, but he can't keep himself from fucking Mark's mouth – however gently. Mark's always seemed like he needs protection, for some reason – Jason isn't sure why, if anything surely it's Robbie, the baby of the band, he should be so worried about, but his pity goes straight to Mark. Mark, who he's now having suck him off behind closed doors like he paid for it. What sort of protection is that?

Maybe part of him wants it though – not just Mark, pretty, sweet Mark who everyone who's ever watched them wants, but the apology too. He wants Mark to be sorry. It's not fair and it's not right, but he wants Mark to feel guilty for having let Nige do that to him without a word. He wants them all to. He's been in this band less than a year and they still don't know each other that well and Jason realises he has no right to expect any of them to risk their careers just for him, but still he wishes just one of them had felt the need to protect _him_.

Mark at least feels bad for not doing so, and that might be the best he's going to get.

He bites his lip as he keens further into Mark's mouth, listening to him almost gagging on it. He runs his fingers through Mark's hair, trying to push him back a little, but Mark digs his nails in to Jason's skin until it stings – he won't let him. He needs to punish himself.

Jason moans helplessly as Mark's tongue curls against the base of his cock, sucking him almost balls-deep now. He knows he's going to come soon, and barely remembers he needs to warn Mark. “Please...” he whispers as he tugs at Mark's hair, who hums against him merrily. “I can't...”

Mark squeezes his thigh in silent permission, and Jay comes there and then, as told. The orgasm rocks through his body and leaves him groaning, but it doesn't chase the lingering guilt from his body as well as he'd like.

Unsurprisingly at this point, Mark swallows without complaint. He pulls off to look up with big wide eyes, craving praise. “How was that?”

Jason hesitates. There are many things he could say here. But he plays the coward, gives the easy answer: “Brilliant.” He cradles Mark's jaw with his hand, which feels more honest. “Thank you.”

Mark's grin widens. Jay feels like a dick for pitying him, but well, this all seems so _Mark_ – Mark who offers himself so easily in apology for something that wasn't even his fault. Mark is always offering himself, eager to be told he is good, he is right, he is loved – that's everything you need in a boy band, but Jason can't imagine it's good for him.

Mark pushes himself back up, and Jason reaches down to help him to his feet. Mark sighs and leans into his chest once he's upright, and Jason runs his fingers through his hair soothingly. “Um,” he says. “You don't want me to...?”

He feels Mark cringe against his neck. “There's no need.” Jason frowns in confusion, and when he pulls back a little, he sees the wet patch spread across Mark's trousers.

That shouldn't upset him. He should be glad Mark enjoyed himself. What kind of person wouldn't be?

And yet, it gets under his skin. It makes him wonder if Mark was really doing this for his sakes after all.

“...Right,” he says with a chuckle, and he pulls Mark in closer, kissing his soft brown hair. If they only cuddle enough, maybe they'll make things simple again.

“Just so you know,” Mark murmurs, “I really am sorry.”

Jason pauses.

Slowly, he pushes himself backward, meets Mark's beautiful blue eyes. “I know,” he says. Mark is sorry. He wouldn't have done any of this is he wasn't sorry.

_He's sorry, but that doesn't help me._ That's the thing, isn't it? Sorry isn't helping him in the moment. Sorry isn't a promise it won't happen again. It's just a vow that if it does happen again, Mark will feel guilty about it, and what does that do to help him?

Mark is lovely and pretty and Jason might just love him, but he cannot trust him. He can't trust any of them.

He wraps his arms around Mark's shoulders and kisses his forehead – a rather brotherly gesture for someone who just sucked him off, but oh well. “It's alright, Marko,” he says. “I don't blame you for anything.”

The tension seeps out of Mark's shoulders and Jay almost feels bad for lying to him. “...Right.” Mark finally extracts himself from Jason's arms with a sheepish grin, the issue sorted. He zips Jason's trousers back up for him. “Well, we ought to get back, yeah?” he asks. “The others will be wondering. God knows this band doesn't need more rumours.”

Jason laughs along – weakly, but Mark doesn't notice. “Yeah,” he says. Mark grins and walks out ahead of him, while Jay stays leaning against the wall, not sure if he's trying to deflect suspicion or he just needs a moment to catch his breath.

As he watches Mark leave, he winces. He wonders how he would feel if it was him who let one of the others down, just to save himself.

 


End file.
